We all remember the years before 2008. The economy was booming, George W. was kickin' ass in the White House, and Anheuser Busch was a trustworthy American company. Then in July 2008 Anheuser Busch was purchased by the Belgian-Brazilian conglomerate InBev. Many good Americans cried out against selling our American corporate icon to some soulless foreigners, but these cries were overshadowed by the Media calling those who spoke out against it xenophobes and conspiracy theorists. Well... it turns out those crazy xenophobes and conspiracy theorists were right to be skeptical. A class action lawsuit has been filed against Anheuser-Busch InBev claiming the alcohol in Budweiser is less than the label says. The Portland Press Herald reports that according to former employees, "The excess water is added just before bottling and cuts the stated alcohol content by 3 percent to 8 percent." While I somewhat admire these hardcore cost cutting procedures from a business operations standpoint, these Belgian-Brazilian bastards are mitigating our ability rage out with massive amounts of cheap beer just so they can line their pockets with more waffles and linguica. People don't purchase 30 racks of Bud Light so they can savour the taste of a well crafted brew (if you do then you're a sick fuck), they buy them because they need to efficiently supply enough beer for people to have a good time. This is a direct assault on our ability to rage and bang.
While this simply looks like a dishonest way to cut costs, I say this is all part of a bigger conspiracy. Brazil is one of the rising economic powerhouses in the developing world, and is looking to become a major player in the international stage. Where is the current CEO of InBev from?... Brazil. Watering down what was once the world symbol for mediocre American beer is only the tip of the iceberg. It's all part of a larger beer tampering plan to bring down America and make way for the rise of socialist Brazil. Now, I'm no bona fide conspiracy theory expert like Mel Gibson, but I'm pretty sure this is the only plausible answer.
You can view the original article from the Portland Press Herald here.
- Rizzo